Ladies of the Round Table

May 7, 2008

First Glimpse of Motherhood….

Filed under: Uncategorized — Carissa @ 4:07 am

This month I will experience my first Mother’s Day, the first one where my children are on this planet, I may not be their offical mother yet, but I know who they are. I have memorized pictures, talked to doctors (more than I care to admit), and loved them from afar. I may not be the mother who is currently raising them but I am their mother, mamma, mommy, mom, mama… To be honest I will be/am their third mother. Their first mother loved them enough to say they need a better life than she could provide (and yes I do KNOW that), their second mother loved them from the day they were released from the hospital – she loved them enough to say I will take both of them raise them as my own and when the time comes release them to their third mother. My fear as a mother is that I could not love them more than they have already been loved – that my love will never equal what love they have already been given in their short life. For this reason, I find myself defending my decision to register for/purchase the best car seats, strollers and cribs and while the best does not always mean the most expensive it can mean that the item costs more than usual. I find myself over researching a possible medical diagnosis – one that until I have my precious baby girl in my arms I will not know the severity. I find myself falling in love with pictures I know are outdated but that is ok, I love them anyway. I find myself crying in the wierdest places, public places because I am so happy that I finally get to live the dream I have had for three years or what seems like forever. I am not sure it is possible to cry so many happy tears in one day – but I do. I cried when the home study update was done, cried again when I purchased the first cards that said “To Grandma,” cried again when I started to try to register and didn’t have a clue what is going on. If being a mother means I cry more and laugh more and have an obsessive need to talk about my children then count me in, if being a mother means constant concerns about safety once again count me in, if being a mother is all the good and the bad rolled up in one thing count me in. I cannot wait to experience the smiles, the laughter, the times to play games, the firsts and the lasts, toddlerhood to teenage angst. I want to be a mother – I need to be a mother. I have waited three very long years to hear the words mommy and will wait years longer if I have to – I am ready to hear from my child “I hate you” – I see it as a rite of passage, one that I hope does not kill me inside as much as I think it will. I have been through hell and back to become a mother, each year begging God to please make it the last year I am not a mother, each year allowing myself to become more and more angry with this God who is supposed to grant all prayers while well meaning people share the story of Sarah and Abraham with me and I want to scream at them that I am NOT Sarah but instead smile and say thank you . Now I look back and see how that same God was preparing me for what I am about to experience, how to lean on Him and answer those prayers I earlier swore He never heard in a way I never expected and bigger than even I could have imagined. Wow, this post is getting very emotional, but right now I feel a bit entitled. I know almost everyone else on this Roundtable has at least one child home with them, is already a mother and has been in some way shape or form where I am right now and can get it – please remember when you were where I am, when you were expecting your first child or that crazy time between referral and travel – that is where I am, and I am overly emotional. So I know in my heart I am officially a MOM and motherhood suits me well even if it took me 33 years (my whole life)to realize this is exactly what I was meant to do! So while I will leave the rest of this month to all of you experienced mothers – I will start this month with motherhood hopes and expectations 🙂

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3 Comments »

  1. Carissa-
    I love this post, and you are right, you are entitled to be emotional, happy expectant… and you are right….. you are not Sarah….
    Blessings to you on this, your first Mother’s Day.

    Comment by sheljena — May 8, 2008 @ 2:11 pm | Reply

  2. Motherhood comes with so many different intense emotions. You are going to be a fabulous mama to your beautiful little ones. Happy First Mother’s Day! 🙂

    Comment by craftymommy — May 11, 2008 @ 4:17 pm | Reply

  3. […] 11, 2008 · No Comments A few days ago I wrote this post on Ladies of the Roundtable and it sums up so well all of the things I have been feeling this last […]

    Pingback by Happy Mother’s Day « Faith, Hope and Love…. — May 12, 2008 @ 2:17 am | Reply


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